Steven, Mayor of Wolfgar |
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WolfgarMayor
Steven
United States
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The Wolfgar Wall
Charie D. La Marr, mayor ofPersiphoniaover 16 years agoMy crackerjack team of AIG financial advisors is still trying their hardest to kiss up to the Mayor and get themselves another big bonus check. This time, they decided to contact our insurance company and do a complete audit. Persiphonia has one insurance company. By everyone in the entire city being on one policy, we are able to save tons of money. But apparently, we can save more. Persiphonia is too fat. According to our insurance agent Smilin’ Eddie Jackson, we can save 10% if the city loses an average of 5 pounds per person. 10 percent! With our population crawling—no galloping—towards the 300K mark, that is a lot of scratch. Think of the things we can use that money for. More malls! More revenue! And if people are going to lose all this weight, they will need to shop for new clothes. More sales tax! It sounds like a win-win solution for everybody but the AIG guys because they are getting paid to save Persiphonia money, and I don’t see where people should get bonuses for just doing their jobs. They can see me at the end of a year and I will consider raises. But until then, they are getting all they are going to get. Anyway, I contacted my good friend Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson who is a noted authority on weight loss and also the mother of Princess Beatrice, who I am still holding out hope will be my future daughter in law once Feral gets this Goth phase out of his system and comes to his senses. And she came up with a great idea. A FREE idea. It didn’t even cost me a bonus. The world’s largest aerobics class. I have brought in some of the best aerobics teachers in Metropolis—you know the cute ones in little high cut leotards and headbands? And we are going to plan the first mass aerobics class. It will be held once a week in Sulley Park with giant screens so everyone can follow along. Richard Simmons even promised to show up—even after we begged him not to. So we will have plenty of tissues on hand, because he is bound to make everyone cry. He always does. And guess what? Smiling’ Eddie said that for every city we can get to participate, we will get another 1% discount on our policy and the city who joins up will get 5% off. So look around and ask yourself these questions. Do the cameramen at your television station have no problem finding fat people on the street to film every time they run a story on healthy food? Is Lane Bryant the biggest and most heavily trafficked store in your mall? Do all the T shirts the men in your town wear say XXL on the front of them—right underneath ‘Property of Folsom Prison’? Would it take a major miracle to get you into your wedding gown again? Do you have 24 hour Baskin Robbins that are crowded even at 4 in the morning? Are you still trying to lose that last 5 pounds of baby fat—and your baby daughter is now 27? Do you thank God for stretch denim in your prayers every day? Do you have a set of 5 pound weights in your closet that have rusted solid from not being used? Do your kids play with that Pilates ball in the backyard pool in the summertime? Did you teach your three year old to tie shoes so he could tie yours because you can’t reach them anymore? Do you have Mc Donald’s for lunch and wash it down with an Ultra Slim Fast Shake and have a Power Bar for dessert? Do you believe that all food eaten cold out of the refrigerator after midnight truly has zero calories? Have you volunteered for the Space Program because you heard that in space you are weightless? Is the front seat of your car pushed back as far as it goes so you can get behind the steering wheel? Do your kids want to know who the skinny lady with Daddy is in your senior prom pictures? If you don’t go to Dunkin Donuts for a week, do they call you at home to see if you’re sick? Do you consider a 6 pack of beer before dinner an ‘appetizer’? Well, then you need to join us before I start asking some other embarrassing questions. Don’t get me started. You know I can do it. We are ready to help. We are going to send one very hot young aerobics instructor to your town. She is prepared to set up a program like ours for you. She will get your people out of those recliners and into those Cross Trainers. And before you know it, your town will be 5 pounds lighter and you will no longer have to have matrons to balance the load on your busses and subways so they don’t tip over. And best of all, you will get a 5% discount on your insurance. And for every city you bring into the program, you and I split another 1% discount! Sounds great, huh? So get with the program. Start losing today! For entertainment, we have a vintage copy of Olivia Newton John’s ‘Let Get Physical’ video. I would send along a Richard Simmons “Sweatin’ With The Oldies’, but I don’t want to scare you. I swear, that man could scare weight off an elephant. Please remember to POP or especially Entertain us back often when you see us down. We like to keep happiness at about 60%. We have already deleted more than 150 connections and replaced almost 125 of them with people who have loyally popped Persiphonia even though they were non-connections. If you would like to connect, I have about 20 spots left, but more will open soon. Please send a request with the name of your city so I know who you are. Autopop every night at midnight or as close to that as we remember to. AND NOW FOR THE LATEST NEWS … Tales of Persiphonia is now online! I am in the process of adding all of the tales from way back in the beginning, along with my personal tips for playing the game and other cool Persiphonia stuff. You can find us at http://persiphonia.wordpress.com/ Drop by often. Leave comments. We love to hear from you! I am almost up to date adding the old ones to the blog. Sincerely yours, Persiphone Hellecat, Mayor, Empress, Queen and Exaulted Grand Poobah of Persiphonia, Land of the Free and Home of the Bipolar. (We have an excellent medical plan that includes prescriptions!) A PROUD NO NUKES CITY!!! We are now SOLAR!!! Let the sun shine in!
Charie D. La Marr, mayor ofPersiphoniaover 16 years agoPersiphonia has recently developed a new ‘No Child Left In the Dark’ program to ensure that even the youngest of our residents understand bipolar disorder and other forms of craziness that one will find in our city. James Asinovsky, PhD has developed a series of books and songs starting at kindergarten level to help kids understand. These books include ‘Papa Takes Prozac’, ‘Debbie Does Depakote’, ‘Lucy’s Adventures With Lithium’, ‘When Mommy is Manic She Shops’, ‘Grandma Gets Grumpy’ and ‘Mama Gets Migraines’. Very lively discussions follow the reading of these books as the children share examples from their own lives. The program also aims at the youngest residents who have already developed their own forms of Persiphonia style craziness. One favorite song the kids love to sing is ‘If You’re OCD and You Know It, Wash Your Hands’. Other happy tunes include ‘Bobby’s Attention Span is Falling Down’, ‘H is for Hyperactivity’ and ‘Baa Baa Bipolar Kid Are You Depressed Today?’ We in Persiphonia feel that it is very important to prepare children both for dealing with nutty parents and for the eventuality that they will become nutty residents of Persiphonia themselves. Dr. Asionovsky (one of those PhD kind of doctors) works closely with the teachers making sure the children have a full range of experiences, from ‘Kindergarten Group Therapy Day’ to ‘Medication Show And Tell Day’ to “Bring Your Nutty Parents To School Day’. A wide range of movies has been added to the curriculum including Bennie and Joon. Forrest Gump, Sam, Charly, Of Mice and Men, The Rain Man, K-Pax, Harvey, Analyze This and of course all of the Woody Allen movies. They also study Hamlet and Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde in depth. It is our goal to raise citizens who are familiar with and comfortable with their particular disorder. It helps them to better relate with their parents and siblings. Eventually, this helps us to better place them in careers. For instance, you will notice that Persiphonia has several hundred tycoons—a great job for someone who is paranoid and delusional. So far the program is working wonderfully. Dr. Asinovsky is very happy with the results, and he has caught the eye of the Nobel Committee who have awarded him the first Nobel Prize in Crazyology. We in Persiphonia couldn’t be prouder. We hope to keep our city populated with nutty artists, writers and musicians for years to come. We will be sending out a student of Dr. Asinkovsky to your city to assess your school system’s needs and make recommendations. These are grad students. They aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. Lots of brains—very little common sense. Most of them will probably end up staying in your city since they won’t be able to find their way back. Put them to good use. For entertainment, we are sending along a DVD of Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo. An oldie but goldie. And just to make it a fun night, we’re sending along a copy of Fatal Attraction, too. One word of advice--avoid eating boiled meat if any cute little bunnies go missing. Enjoy. Please remember to POP or Entertain us back often when you see us down. We have reached 1000 connections, but we are checking them out now and will be deleting those who do not autopop daily, so wait about a week and ask us again. I am working on deleting 100 names tonight. We autopop every night at midnight. AND NOW FOR THE LATEST NEWS … Tales of Persiphonia is now online! I am in the process of adding all of the tales from way back in the beginning, along with my personal tips for playing the game and other cool Persiphonia stuff. You can find us at http://persiphonia.wordpress.com/ Drop by often. Leave comments. We love to hear from you! I am almost up to date adding the old ones to the blog. Sincerely yours, Persiphone Hellecat, Mayor, Empress, Queen and Exaulted Grand Poobah of Persiphonia, Land of the Free and Home of the Bipolar. (We have an excellent medical plan that includes prescriptions!) A PROUD NO NUKES CITY!!! We are now SOLAR!!! Let the sun shine in! 2 Posts Available
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