Charie D. La Marr

Persiphonia

Well, I just had to fire another personal assistant. This one, Jessica Sanmartino s probably the dumbest one I have ever had. I found her arguing with Harpo the other day—and he doesn’t even talk. And guess what? He won the argument! Even Karl Jednowski down in the typing pool types faster than her and he only has one hand due to a terrible blender accident as a child. But the topper was the other day when I told her to call up and have them deliver 6 bottles of Poland Spring water for the water cooler so the rest of my staff can stand around and gossip. It took her all day to find it, but she finally located 6 bottles—in WARSAW! With overnight charges via FedEx, the 6 bottles came to $14,000. I would take it out of her pay, but then I would have to employ her for another 2 years at least. Well, I thought a lot about this situation and I came up with an executive decision. I am going to host my own version of The Apprentice on our new television station WPH. Because I know that Donald Trump is a real jerk and would probably sue me, I’m calling my show The Personal Assistant. But other than that, it’s going to be kind of the same with a few bipolar twists in it. Of course, I will be producing the show myself and selling it to our new network at a very reasonable price to be aired opposite American Idol. Who watches that anyway? We need contestants. So I am sending people to fan out across Metropolis in search of the best Personal Assistant contestants they can find. Send out your Secretaries! We need the brightest and the best to appear on this show. Of course, we need one really nasty contestant who will be good at all the ‘behind the scenes backstabbing’. Preferably someone who only uses one name like Oglevana or Oprah. Then we need at least one sweet and innocent contestant for Oglevana to really rip apart behind her back while pretending to be her friend. Of course, we realize that we are asking you to give us a good person—at least for 3 months while we are filming the show. We have this empty homeless shelter that we will set up for them to stay in. Unlike Donald Trump, I don’t want these people actually living in one of my executive buildings. The shelter is nice and clean. Three meals a day. Sink in every room. Bathroom at the end of the hall. Hey, you have to suffer if you wanna sing the blues. And in exchange, we will offer you a person who can fill one of your needs. How about a Rock Star? We have tons of those. Or a Movie Star. We have tons of those, too. And lately, they have started mating. Which is very scary. Heaven knows what we are going to end up with as the next generation of Persiphonians. Kids with names like Wolfgang, Suri, Moxie Crimefighter, Apple, Moon Unit, Pilot Inspektor and Kal-El – all of which mean in English “kid who gets the crap beat out of him in High School”. One of our movie stars has already been married and divorced three times and she’s only 17. Help yourselves. We have lots of soccer stars, too, and there is no soccer in Persiphonia—only baseball. Although I am still planning on using them as towel boys for our beach resorts come summer. So get those resumes sent in to us. Persiphone Hellecat C/o City Hall, Persiphonia, Metropolis. Include a medical report, a financial statement, report cards from grades 1 – 12, a copy of your college thesis, references from 10 friends, a clean rap sheet, a letter from your mother and a copy of your MENSA membership card. We only want the best of the best. We will then begin a detailed investigation of each candidate starting with a check with Chris Hanson at NBC’s Dateline to confirm that you haven’t sent any naughty photos over the internet. We will be selecting 14 contestants 7 men and 7 women and then let the games begin!! The winner gets a 1 year contract to work as my personal assistant at the exorbitant salary of $18,000 a year! Also included is use of a 1999 Honda Civic, a lovely cheese basket at Christmas, lunch with the Mayor at Red Lobster for your birthday, medical insurance, a $5,000 life insurance policy (portion of the cost deducted from salary) AND the room closest to the bathroom at the Homeless Shelter! And don’t forget that great addition to your resume and a hand signed letter of reference! Hurry though, we are expecting literally thousands of applicants. Imagine yourself sitting in my outer office!! For entertainment? This show is all you will need. Please remember to POP or Entertain us back often when you see us down. We have reached 1000 connections, but we are checking them out now and will be deleting those who do not autopop daily, so wait about a week and ask us again. I am working on deleting 100 names tonight. I intend to give those 100 spots to people who have loyally popped Persiphonia though they were non-connections. We autopop every night at midnight or whenever we remember to. AND NOW FOR THE LATEST NEWS … Tales of Persiphonia is now online! I am in the process of adding all of the tales from way back in the beginning, along with my personal tips for playing the game and other cool Persiphonia stuff. You can find us at http://persiphonia.wordpress.com/ Drop by often. Leave comments. We love to hear from you! I am almost up to date adding the old ones to the blog. Sincerely yours, Persiphone Hellecat, Mayor, Empress, Queen and Exaulted Grand Poobah of Persiphonia, Land of the Free and Home of the Bipolar. (We have an excellent medical plan that includes prescriptions!) A PROUD NO NUKES CITY!!! We are now SOLAR!!! Let the sun shine in!